Can We Please Stop Putting Lipstick on a Pig? 🐷

We talk a lot about the importance of feedback. How we need to get better at giving it, receiving it, and embracing it as an opportunity to grow.

But how good are we at it, really?

Because saying you’re open to feedback is one thing. Actually being open to it when someone tells you something that doesn’t quite match the image you have of yourself?

That’s a whole different story.

And perhaps that’s where things start getting interesting.

Who Am I, and Who Am I in the Eyes of Others?

We all have an image of ourselves. Who we are, how we communicate, how we collaborate, and how we affect the people around us.

But that image doesn’t always match how others experience us.

I might see myself as clear and straightforward in my communication, while someone else experiences me as harsh, intimidating, or even a little scary.

So who’s right?

Both of us. In a way.

My intention might have been to create clarity, but the impact on the other person was something entirely different.

And that’s exactly what makes feedback so valuable. It gives us access to perspectives we simply cannot see on our own.

But that doesn’t mean everything someone says about us is an objective truth.

Feedback is someone else’s experience of us. Not an absolute truth about who we are.

That’s a pretty important distinction.

Are We Really Always Open to Feedback?

No. Of course not.

We’re human.

We have good days, bad days, stressful periods, and moments when we can barely deal with our own thoughts, let alone someone else’s opinion of us.

And yet, we sometimes expect people to be ready to receive feedback simply because we happen to be ready to give it.

But just because I’m ready to say something doesn’t mean you’re ready to hear it.

So why not start with a simple question?

“I have some feedback I’d like to share with you. Do you have the time and headspace for it?”

It might sound like a small thing, but to me, it demonstrates something incredibly important.

Respect.

I’m giving you the opportunity to choose when you’re in a position to actually listen.

And no, that doesn’t mean we should avoid difficult conversations or allow people to opt out of hearing things they need to hear.

It means being more intentional about creating the conditions for our message to actually land.

Because what’s the point of giving feedback if the other person isn’t in a position to receive it?

The Feedback Ladder – Why Do We Get Defensive?

Have you heard of the Feedback Ladder?

It’s a way of describing the different reactions we can go through when receiving feedback.

We might start by rejecting it.

“No, that’s not true at all!”

Then we move into defending ourselves.

“Yes, but you need to understand why I did that…”

We start explaining, justifying, and sometimes even dismissing the situation before we’ve actually understood what the other person is trying to tell us.

And somewhere along the way, if we manage to put our ego aside for a moment, we might start genuinely listening.

Not because we necessarily agree.

But because we’re curious.

“What has this person experienced that I haven’t been able to see?”

I think there’s something quite beautiful about that.

We don’t have to agree with every piece of feedback we receive. But we can choose to explore it.

Because growth rarely begins with already knowing everything.

It often begins with being curious about what we don’t yet understand.

Can We Please Stop Putting Lipstick on a Pig?

Now, let’s talk about one of my personal favourites.

Or rather, one of my biggest frustrations when it comes to feedback.

The Sandwich Method.

You know the one.

Start with something positive, deliver the uncomfortable message, and then finish with something positive again.

As if the difficult part somehow becomes easier to swallow when we wrap it in enough compliments.

I like to call it the lipstick-on-a-pig method.

Because that’s exactly what I think we’re doing.

We’re trying to make something uncomfortable look prettier by decorating it.

The problem?

People aren’t stupid.

Most people quickly realise that the positive comments were just a warm-up act for what you really wanted to say.

And what happens then?

The positive feedback loses its value.

It becomes fluff. Something we say to soften the blow.

And honestly, I think that’s a shame.

Because genuine appreciation deserves to stand on its own.

If someone has done something well, tell them!

If someone has done something that needs to change, tell them that too!

We don’t need to mix the two just because we’re uncomfortable with discomfort.

Clarity and kindness are not opposites.

Quite the contrary.

I believe being clear with someone can be one of the kindest things we do.

Is There Really Such a Thing as Positive and Negative Feedback?

We often talk about positive and negative feedback.

But I wonder if we’re oversimplifying things.

What actually makes feedback positive or negative?

Is it the content? The way it’s delivered? Or how the receiver experiences it?

I prefer to think of feedback as something that either reinforces a behaviour or helps us change one.

In both cases, the purpose is growth.

And if we start from the assumption that people have good intentions and are doing the best they can with what they know and have available, shouldn’t our feedback come from that same place?

Not from a need to be right.

Not from frustration that’s been building up for weeks.

And definitely not from a desire to put someone in their place.

But from a genuine desire to help.

Good Intentions Aren’t Always Enough

Here’s another thing I think is important.

We can have the best intentions in the world and still affect others in ways we never intended.

I might say something because I want to help, but the other person feels belittled.

I might try to be efficient, but someone else feels steamrolled.

I might think I’m being encouraging, while the person in front of me feels pressured.

That doesn’t automatically mean I did something wrong.

But it does mean I need to be willing to understand the impact of my behaviour.

And the same goes the other way around.

Just because I experienced something in a certain way doesn’t mean the other person intended to make me feel that way.

That’s why I believe we need to get better at separating intention from impact.

And more importantly, we need to get better at actually talking to each other instead of creating our own stories about each other’s intentions.

Curiosity before assumptions. Always.

So How Do We Give Feedback That Actually Makes a Difference?

I don’t think we need more complicated models or perfectly crafted sentences.

I think we need to get better at a few very human things.

Being clear about what we’ve actually observed instead of presenting our interpretations as facts.

Explaining how something affected us instead of telling someone who they are.

Being genuinely curious about the other person’s perspective.

And perhaps most importantly, remembering why we’re giving feedback in the first place.

To help someone grow? To improve our collaboration? To create understanding?

Or simply because we need to get something off our chest?

It’s worth thinking about.

Because sometimes I think we call something feedback when it’s really just frustration in slightly nicer packaging.

And What About Receiving Feedback?

It’s easy to talk about how other people should give feedback.

It’s considerably harder to examine ourselves as receivers.

How do I react when someone tells me something I don’t agree with?

Do I listen to understand?

Or do I listen just long enough to prepare my defence?

Can I accept that someone else has experienced me in a way that doesn’t match my own self-image?

And can I do that without feeling like my entire personality is under attack?

I believe that takes self-awareness, psychological safety, and a pretty generous dose of humility.

Because we are not our behaviours.

We can do something poorly without being bad people.

And we can receive feedback about something we’ve done without it meaning that everything else we do has lost its value.

Maybe Feedback Is Really About Relationships?

The more I think about feedback, the more I realise that, to me, it’s not primarily about technique.

It’s about relationships.

About trust.

About having the courage to be honest with each other without losing our kindness along the way.

About creating environments where people don’t have to be perfect. Where mistakes are allowed to be mistakes. And where we genuinely want to help each other become better.

Because in that kind of environment, feedback becomes less threatening.

It becomes a natural part of how we grow together.

And perhaps that’s where we need to start.

Not with yet another model for packaging our messages.

But by reflecting on how we see the people around us.

Because if I genuinely believe you mean well, and you genuinely believe I mean well, we’ve already come a pretty long way.

And the pig?

Let’s leave it exactly as it is.

No lipstick required. 💜

A Question to Take With You

When was the last time you received feedback that genuinely made you stop and think? And what made it possible for you to actually hear it?